uptownline

Although I have only spent a short time here, I have lived in Chicago my entire life, and already it feels like home! Such wonderful people, such interesting and startling noises, I understand now why they call this The Windy City! And the Wind isn't the only thing that blows! I stumbled upon a sexually ambiguous streetwalker who offered a hot dog and a shake, but I had neither the $100 nor the peckersnot for that business! I would love to extol my entire adventure since my last post card, but I must keep this brief. I am on my way to experience the delightful capering of the baby sea turtles at Shedd Aquarium via Chicago's unpredictable public transportation system, as pictured on this whimsical painted board.

 

litewhiterail
LIGHT WHITE RAIL: Concept art for Chicago's planned 'White Line', a luxury branch of the CTA that will run from The South Loop to River North on a suspended track system, 10 meters taller than current CTA elevated lines. Rubber wheels and extensive soundproofing protect the commuter from almost all outside noise. Bose sound systems offer polite, yet instructive pre-recorded destination information, spoken by today's hottest celebrities in full Dobly 5.1 surround. Lead car equipped with Day Porter and Sommelier. Regular Fare: $23.75, Transfer: $15.00, Second Transfer: Free!

 

railgunRAIL GUN: Concept art for Chicago's planned Rail Gun System in which a heavy anti-aircraft gun is mounted on Chicago Transit Authority (CTA) elevated trains. The gun operates with a sophisticated targeting systems allows the train to continue on its route without interruption during a terrorist attack. Ease of targeting and firing enable the Rail Gun to be operated by standard CTA employees after satisfactory completion of the mandatory 20 minute aircraft identification seminar.

 

bluebird

BLUE HARMONY TRAIN: Monday morning sidewalk rage has ruined my walk to work. The usual jovial comments I make to the homeless have been replaced by brutal insults concerning their direction in life and their lack of employment. I’m seeing so much red its blue. But I push through the cold, eyes on the skyline until I get to that Dunkin' Donuts and that sweet Blueberry Cake doughnut that makes me feel lucky to have a tongue that works. I break it in half and eat it like a banana, the wax paper wrapper like a peel. As I walk out, I see that last homeless guy I snapped at, and give him the remaining half. He says he is diabetic and drops it like it was on fire. I stare at that donut elbow for a while and get the idea that I’m never painting another el train again, and will from this point forward, focus entirely on cake doughnuts.

 

upandcoming

Two rejected entries for the "Up Your Uptown…Today!" contest in which a new logo for Chicago's slowest growing neighborhood, Uptown, was chosen. While most entries were submitted by grade school students, this one in particular was designed and painted by a half-man, half-jaguar named Gary. Taken from Gary's application: "The painting has many symbols, but a few noteworthy are as follows: The red stains represent the courage of the Uptown community, the circles represent the stoplights that pedestrians ignore and the wood grain represents the 42" maple cabinet doors that are slamming shut on the indigenous indigent of Uptown. Furthermore, rooooooaar."

 

THE CITY IS HERE FOR YOU TO USE (DESTROYER: THE FIRE)

I wake up to a sound that I feel in the roof of my mouth. Holy crap I’m deaf, I think, and on lake shore drive. There is a fire in the loop . Silence. I see the broken el tracks and the trains running over them like water, piled up like sausage links. There is no sound, but I can feel the vibration in all sorts of places in my body. The pounding is random and each crash surprises me. I think I’m getting closer. I must revise my statement. There is not a fire in the loop, the loop is on fire. The antennas are gone from the tall buildings. Then I see something larger than anything I’ve ever seen before. It fills the horizon….I’m having trouble focusing on it. And it’s moving.

COOL & STRESSING (AVENGER: THE WATERTOWER)

I’m crying. The only reason I know is the dust is sticking to my face along the tear tracks and it cracks when I scream. At least I think I’m screaming. There is no sound, or I’m deaf or there is too much sound for my ears to pick up the tiny vibration my vocal cords are making, or something. I guess I should head for the water. I know that we said we should meet in Lake Geneva, but I have no idea how to get there on foot. I haven’t seen a car heading north since I woke up. Something important is happening in my home town and I know I’m just debris getting swirled around. I’m on the beach now, and heading east along the shore, going into the water when the fire is too close. I know that I will eventually get to the cottage in Michigan. It has a wood burning stove and guns, I think. As I relax a bit and start to get cold, my thoughts turn to my family. Mom, dad, Michelle.

Without any undue hyperbole…holy crap. I have to revise my statement about the largest thing I’ve ever seen. For now the largest thing I’ve ever seen is fighting with something larger still. The only sense of scale I have is the broken skyscrapers against the skyline. I have to keep moving, I think, so I walk backwards away from the city as the two colossi attend to the matters set before them. The avenger is here to remove the destroyer. I’ve been walking for along time and I can still see them. Past the steel mills, past the beach homes, and everyone along the way seems to be ok. I stop when I get to the Michigan border and sit with a cute hippy girl and I realize that I am really deaf. She produces a can of corn and a can of beans from her shoulder bag. In the moist sand she writes that the same thing happened in Detroit where her parents lived. She thinks they’re dead by now. I tell her where I’m going and ask her to come with. She writes: “No. Friends in Milwaukee. Walking there.” I tell her to be careful as she passes Chicago, there was a giant elephant fighting a giant woman last time I checked. She nods to let me know she can hear them. She smiles and sticks out her tongue and draws her name in the sand before packing up her cans and walking away. I walk to the cottage on the shore, build a fire, load the guns and fire them both into my skull.

Good Morning America (I Found My Hands In Place)

Now. Now I have a headache. Both bullets glanced off my oversized temples and up through the ceiling. Dust and bits of wood float down like snowflakes and suddenly I’m ashamed. I’ve never shot myself in the head before, so naturally I made a mistake. Or maybe my head moved out of the way at the last second. No time to dwell, I’m clear now, and I’ve got something to do. My retreat is over, it is time to attack. I’m running. Back to Chicago. There are more refugees coming this way, black against the sand. I’m on the beach and moving fast, both guns in my hands, kicking up cold sand over my head. I’m still deaf but completely focused. It’s as if my mind is deaf too. Not a thought in my head but my own velocity and how to increase it. Lucid. Logical. I know I have to run faster, so I do. I know I would be there faster if I could fly…so I do, and in a moment I’m above the clouds and the sun is shining. Nothing I’m about to do matters, but you can extrapolate that statement to apply to everything. Our lives, this planet, the entire universe. My motive is unknown to me. It’s a beautiful day up here, but I know the mess that is concealed beneath those clouds. I don’t have to think about direction…in that moment, I’m here. The beasts are still here, one from fire and one from water. One to destroy, one to avenge. And now me. Here to kick them the fuck out of my town.

The Thing Is (The End)

"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
-Carl Sagan

The thing is…we’re all connected. We think of empty space between us, between everything, but it couldn’t be less true. Our actions are plucking the guitar strings of reality. Some strum, some pluck and some hold their hands over the strings. Everything you did, do or will do, effects everything forever. Your bones will be in a star someday. Neat.

Anyhoo...I unload my pistols into them. I need more bullets and with that thought, I have them. I think of bigger guns, and I have them. I don’t know which one is good, who is evil, but I don’t agree with their policy, so they get bullets. The first barrage hits the beasts and they finally turn from their exclusive struggle and pay me some attention. But by then, it’s too late for them. Check’s in the mail as they say. And they fall as the last of my barrage hits them. My feet touch the ground, and it is over. The hiccups stop, the world slides back into its groove, and the song continues. The guns turn back into the old revolvers I picked up at the cottage and fall from my hands, clinking to the ground. Clink...I hear a clink. My hearing has returned and someone is hugging me from behind.