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IN PLACE OF GOD:
This is what God looks like. Sorry, not a white hippy nor an upright elephant. And God certainly doesn't have ninety nine names. God doesn't have to live on this planet, so there's no need for God to have lungs or feet. God isn't a he or she. No penis or vagina, or brain for that matter. God doesn't have to get someone else's girlfriend pregnant to have a son. God makes stuff by concentrating. God was making shit the whole time during our thirty minute posing session as I put paint to paper and this is what I ended up with. This is the last thing you'd see if you had eyeballs when God takes you up to heaven. I'm kidding. There is no god. This is pennies and paint.
MADAGASCAR: A dream I had about the Devil. Dinosaur head, breasts, segmented torso, charming, and brutally condescending.
WARBIRD:
My favorite philosopher? Christ, because he changed my heart. When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the Savior, it changes your heart and changes your life. I believe in tolerance, not in spite of my faith, but because of it. I believe in a God who calls us, not to judge our neighbors, but to love them. I keep saying in my speeches, two-thirds of known leaders have been captured or killed, and that's the truth. I believe in grace, because I have seen it...In peace, because I have felt it...In forgiveness, because I have needed it. And I see dangers that exist, and it's important for us to deal with them. (Put away your gods and come and worship ours, or we will kill you and your gods)
BUFFALO CALIMARI QUEEN
The delicious Buffalo Calimari comes from one finite and nonrenewable source, the Buffalo Calimari Queen. The Buffalo Calimari Industry claims that there is enough to supply the demand for hundreds of years. To the dismay of environmental groups, many companies are looking to sources of Buffaloed Seafood in federally protected species, including Buffalo Sea Lion and incredibly the endangered Buffalo Sea Turtle. Many scientists claim that world Buffalo Calimari demand will peak in this decade and there isn't anything we can do to stop it. While long term solutions exist in the form of conservation and alternative Buffaloed Seafood sources, they probably cannot and almost certainly will not be enacted in time to evade a catastrophic shortage.
Billy Ocean and Aqualung:
She's Aqualung, and besides an obvious Tull fan, she holds the distinctive honor of one day being the only human skeleton the future inhabitants of Earth will discover. All the others will be underwater when the oceans move. But for now, she fancies herself a crimefighting superhero, and although powerless and relatively inactive, she's never far from her trusted enforcer, Billy, who can strip an elephant to its bones in seconds. Neither are sure of where Billy came from. He may be alive, he may be dead, but in reality he is just an amnesiac Pac Man ghost named Inky. And since there are no more power pellets around, all he can do is follow. So he follows Aqualung, the only person who doesn't dissolve at his touch. There's a story here, but unfortunately there is not room to tell it on a $100 piece of wood. Take this sucker home and finish it for me.
WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENS (MILKY WAY HOME)
This silly little octopus had no idea she would be the last living thing ever, but she happened to be at the right when and where when what happened happened. She has the whole place to herself from now and until the end of time, which happens to be in 40 minutes, when the last thing that happens happens. Not that anyone cares, because nothing close to caring has happened for twenty thousand years, since the first thing that happened happened.
ANATOMICAL GIFT (RED ANTLER)
Based loosely on the true story I just made up about a mythical crimson deer that visits children two days after Chinese New Year to deliver new chopsticks made from splinters of his mighty antlers. He bestows these blessed utensils only to children who have behaved all year long and renounced all temptation to eat dairy. The luckiest children will find their freshly shredded chopsticks still warm and moist with deer’s blood.
(Santa is God For Kids)
TERRIERISTS
"We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist."
-Bella
NO SUCH LUNCH
The taste is similar to dirt. Salty dirty as if licking your hands after playing softball. The thing is...you can't digest shrimp. Every bit of shrimp you've ever eaten, lives out the rest of it's natural life deep within you. Some people eat them at weddings only, and thereby have a much lower shrimp count. I'm sure you chew them up too, but shrimp are anolicabezian. That is, they can regrow lost heads from headless bodies. Cut one shrimp in half, you get two. "But I cook them!" I can feel you saying to yourself. Doesn't matter. Beastly things they are, and you probably are home to hundreds, but they can help you in a pinch. If you ever need shrimp (not for eating, you can't digest them remember?) you can lure them out of your body with a saucer of milk placed at either end of your digestive system. It's a neat trick, but of little value, and somewhat objectionable to most dinner parties. Regardless, my last (hopefully!) shrimp was released in July of 2006. His name was Smokey and I think he's in New Mexico now, in a Brazilian souvenir shop owner.
CATHERINE LIKES HIGH PLACES